Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Sad and depressed
I haven’t posted in a long time, though I am not sure people hear me anyway. I have struggled for a very long time with depression, but it has only gotten worse since losing my mom and then my best friend or chosen sister. I have on going feelings of just wishing I wasn’t alive and wishing I could be with them. I am so tired of my heart hurting. I just don’t know how to get rid of those on going suicidal thoughts. 😢
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Church confuses me!
I've not gone to church all my life, but I have off and on. Over the last several years, I've gone pretty consistently to church. I say pretty consistently, because there have been issues I've faced or have had to deal with that have made it challenging to make it to church every Sunday. It doesn't help that my sleep schedule tends to be opposite of most of the world.
Christians are sinners, I get this. No one is perfect, I get this. We aren't suppose to judge one another, I get this. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean we don't have feelings or opinions, yep, I get this one, too. Being part of a church means being part of a family, wait, this one I don't get.
First, I'm not pointing fingers. While I've gone to one church regularly over the last several years, I've attended others.
More and more I tend to feel as though church is like attending school all over again. Have you ever been the unpopular kid in class when a popular kid is abscent? Everybody wonders where they are and hopes all is well with them. But, remember the "not so popular" kids in class? Remember when they were abscent? Or, maybe you don't because no one seems to notice or wonder why they aren't there.
I say popular and unpopular, because it is the best way I can think of to describe how divided it is. There are cliques of all sorts. My experience in churches with small groups is that this only makes it worse. While one small group may have 4 or 5 people, another might have anywhere from 15, 20, or more. Guess which small group people come in and would like to be part of?
If you enter a churh wanting to be part of a family, it is difficult when you discover that there is just some way that you may never fit into that family. Just like in a biological family, if your life doesn't grow and shape to become like the majority, you just somehow don't fit. You know, there is that unwritten rule that you grow up, get married, and have kids. Well, that is what the majority are doing anyway, and that is what it takes to be able to have something to talk about with one another. How do you bond if you don't have the husband/wife and kids to talk about? People get together, chat, and the kids play together. Well, if you have kids to play with their kids.
One might say, get involved in something at church. Again, you have to feel comfortable in the midst of a group to feel comfortable being part of it. And, that isn't saying that there will always be something available at a time you can be part of it. Reality is the majority of the world lives as though everyone works a 1st shift job. However, if you look around, you will see that our world is spinning 24/7. This means that someone has to be working 24 hours a day.
Maybe I'm alone in this. These truly are all my thoughts and feelings, so maybe I'm way out in left field. And I do tend to be a little too sensitive, maybe I'm just all wrong and need to toughen up. Maybe, learning that no one really means what they say was one of the best lessons I learned growing up. You know like when they say you are important to them, they will always be there, you will always be a part of their family, etc.
I totally get I'm having struggles of my own right now and it just makes cloudy skies seem a bit more cloudy. I just find myself wondering what I'm a part of at church. Does it matter that I'm there? Yes, I'm there to strengthen my relationship with God, but I can nurture this relationship on my own (with Him, of course). In the end, maybe this is still me wanting and trying to find somewhere I belong.
Christians are sinners, I get this. No one is perfect, I get this. We aren't suppose to judge one another, I get this. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean we don't have feelings or opinions, yep, I get this one, too. Being part of a church means being part of a family, wait, this one I don't get.
First, I'm not pointing fingers. While I've gone to one church regularly over the last several years, I've attended others.
More and more I tend to feel as though church is like attending school all over again. Have you ever been the unpopular kid in class when a popular kid is abscent? Everybody wonders where they are and hopes all is well with them. But, remember the "not so popular" kids in class? Remember when they were abscent? Or, maybe you don't because no one seems to notice or wonder why they aren't there.
I say popular and unpopular, because it is the best way I can think of to describe how divided it is. There are cliques of all sorts. My experience in churches with small groups is that this only makes it worse. While one small group may have 4 or 5 people, another might have anywhere from 15, 20, or more. Guess which small group people come in and would like to be part of?
If you enter a churh wanting to be part of a family, it is difficult when you discover that there is just some way that you may never fit into that family. Just like in a biological family, if your life doesn't grow and shape to become like the majority, you just somehow don't fit. You know, there is that unwritten rule that you grow up, get married, and have kids. Well, that is what the majority are doing anyway, and that is what it takes to be able to have something to talk about with one another. How do you bond if you don't have the husband/wife and kids to talk about? People get together, chat, and the kids play together. Well, if you have kids to play with their kids.
One might say, get involved in something at church. Again, you have to feel comfortable in the midst of a group to feel comfortable being part of it. And, that isn't saying that there will always be something available at a time you can be part of it. Reality is the majority of the world lives as though everyone works a 1st shift job. However, if you look around, you will see that our world is spinning 24/7. This means that someone has to be working 24 hours a day.
Maybe I'm alone in this. These truly are all my thoughts and feelings, so maybe I'm way out in left field. And I do tend to be a little too sensitive, maybe I'm just all wrong and need to toughen up. Maybe, learning that no one really means what they say was one of the best lessons I learned growing up. You know like when they say you are important to them, they will always be there, you will always be a part of their family, etc.
I totally get I'm having struggles of my own right now and it just makes cloudy skies seem a bit more cloudy. I just find myself wondering what I'm a part of at church. Does it matter that I'm there? Yes, I'm there to strengthen my relationship with God, but I can nurture this relationship on my own (with Him, of course). In the end, maybe this is still me wanting and trying to find somewhere I belong.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Disposable or forgotten?
Who knew that reading someone else's blog would jog some feelings I'm never quite sure what to do with? However, tonight it seems to have my emotions dancing on the verge of tears.
I hate that my heart loves people so easily! I hate that most likely do to not having anywhere near the family everyone wishes for I tend to try to create a family of my own. It isn't like I walk through life giving everyone the title of family, but once you've really touched my heart, I can't help it. God knows I've prayed at times for Him to make my heart a little harder towards people and not love them so easily and be perfectly content being alone when anyone walks away.
It seems that people find it easy to dispose of or forget me. Anyway, that is what I feel. Oh, I eventually get the "well, you never called me, wrote me, etc." Oh, really, and my phone, e-mail, mail box, etc just couldn't keep up with you trying to contact me.
And of course, then there are those people that I go out of my way to try and stay in contact. those people that I try to reach out to and say, "I'm struggling a bit here," and get no response from. Does silence speaker louder than if they actually spoke? Deep down do they wish I would just some how disappear? You know, if you ignore them they will go away? Do I gradually become less important in your life or do you just discover one day who I am and decide you want nothing to do with me?
Tonight, for the first time ever, and I don't know what triggered this, I actually found myself asking God if He took my big sister Candy, who only lived 8 hours, because He knew I wouldn't be a good little sister. I guess it was at that point I realized that my heart was really hurting and the devil was trying hard to feed my head and heart full of lots of lies. Still, I can't help but feel that I tend to be easily disposed of or forgotten by so many people.
I know I'm not perfect, that is something you never will find me claiming to be. I still can't help but wonder why it feels that people always find me at fault for everything that goes wrong. I can hear someone saying, oh, that is just in your head. Really? I would start to name the people in my life that somehow find me at fault for having little to do with my father. It was ok that he was never in your life. It was ok that his wife made all those calls to you for all those months and made you live your life wondering if it was safe to even walk to your car. It was ok that he showed up on your doorstep so angry at someone else you thought he could possibly punch you. Yeah, he's my father, but is it not ok for me to desire/want some stability in my life? Reality is you can only fear running into your father or him showing up at your doorstep for so long before you decide enough if enough. Were he just someone I knew and not my father, someone would have told me to cut that relationship off long ago. And, it would seem that he disposed of/forgot about me starting when I was very little.
Ok, so I vented some feelings there, but that is my world. Do to something that affected me so strongly, there are people in my life that decided I was disposable or worth forgetting. However, they aren't the only ones, I guess I just wish there were a few more people in my life who felt I was worth keeping.
I hate that my heart loves people so easily! I hate that most likely do to not having anywhere near the family everyone wishes for I tend to try to create a family of my own. It isn't like I walk through life giving everyone the title of family, but once you've really touched my heart, I can't help it. God knows I've prayed at times for Him to make my heart a little harder towards people and not love them so easily and be perfectly content being alone when anyone walks away.
It seems that people find it easy to dispose of or forget me. Anyway, that is what I feel. Oh, I eventually get the "well, you never called me, wrote me, etc." Oh, really, and my phone, e-mail, mail box, etc just couldn't keep up with you trying to contact me.
And of course, then there are those people that I go out of my way to try and stay in contact. those people that I try to reach out to and say, "I'm struggling a bit here," and get no response from. Does silence speaker louder than if they actually spoke? Deep down do they wish I would just some how disappear? You know, if you ignore them they will go away? Do I gradually become less important in your life or do you just discover one day who I am and decide you want nothing to do with me?
Tonight, for the first time ever, and I don't know what triggered this, I actually found myself asking God if He took my big sister Candy, who only lived 8 hours, because He knew I wouldn't be a good little sister. I guess it was at that point I realized that my heart was really hurting and the devil was trying hard to feed my head and heart full of lots of lies. Still, I can't help but feel that I tend to be easily disposed of or forgotten by so many people.
I know I'm not perfect, that is something you never will find me claiming to be. I still can't help but wonder why it feels that people always find me at fault for everything that goes wrong. I can hear someone saying, oh, that is just in your head. Really? I would start to name the people in my life that somehow find me at fault for having little to do with my father. It was ok that he was never in your life. It was ok that his wife made all those calls to you for all those months and made you live your life wondering if it was safe to even walk to your car. It was ok that he showed up on your doorstep so angry at someone else you thought he could possibly punch you. Yeah, he's my father, but is it not ok for me to desire/want some stability in my life? Reality is you can only fear running into your father or him showing up at your doorstep for so long before you decide enough if enough. Were he just someone I knew and not my father, someone would have told me to cut that relationship off long ago. And, it would seem that he disposed of/forgot about me starting when I was very little.
Ok, so I vented some feelings there, but that is my world. Do to something that affected me so strongly, there are people in my life that decided I was disposable or worth forgetting. However, they aren't the only ones, I guess I just wish there were a few more people in my life who felt I was worth keeping.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Too sensitve
Surely I'm not the only person in there world who is way too sensitive! Sadly, I know this about myself and wish I could change it. Trust me, stand in my shoes for a day and you'll find being this sensitive is so not a fun thing. It truly takes a matter of seconds to break my heart. There are people in my life I truly know love and care about me, but as soon as they don't answer when I call, reply to a text, e-mail me back, etc. I'm trying to figure out if I've done something to make them mad or upset them. Because in my twisted little mind, everyone is on their way out of my life as soon as they walk in. Yeah, not a very fun way to live.
I've had the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore for awhile and think I truly need to start diving into it. I've started to a time or two, but I'm sure it isn't a book meant for me to read (yeah, right). Perhaps for me, it is just that sometimes the truth is no fun. Even worse though, is knowing it is true and having no idea how to change it. Ok, I do know the way to change it, "Let Go and Let God." Right? Ugh, if only it was that easy.
Ha!! I just thought of something. Perfect example of just how sensitive I am! You know how when you build a house of cards how you have to hold your breath to keep from making it fall down? Yep, that would be my feelings, the house of cards. Oh, I have moments when I try to be tough. You know, those moments when you think, "no way am I letting him/her get to me." That thought is usually followed by tears.
I can't help but wonder if we are all too sensitive in some areas. Such as something that makes someone truly uncomfortable about themselves. For example, while some guys can take some harassing about losing their hair, other guys are so sensitive about it that the first mention of it makes them angry.
I guess I've always thought that my sensitivity was due to my inability to love someone without doing so with my whole heart. I don't give someone just a piece of my heart, nope, not me, I give them the whole thing. Break down a wall and worm yourself into my heart and you can be sure that your not just in a corner of my heart will you will be quickly forgotten. If I speak the words "I love you" to you, you can be sure they aren't just passing words. They are words that mean something to me and probably not so easy for me to say, especially the first few times you hear them from me.
Perhaps being so sensitive also makes me love hugs! Of course there are people in my life I truly rather love from a distant, but then there are others that a simple hug from them seems to make everything ok. I remember when I was younger and put a note in my grandpa's room that said "A hug a day keeps the blues away." There is a lot of truth in that for me. Ok, maybe it doesn't keep the blues completely away, but being hugged by someone you care about and you know truly cares about you just seems to say without words that it really will all be ok.
So, am I too sensitive? Oh yeah! But, I don't think that is always a bad thing. If I weren't so sensitive I wouldn't be so willing to help someone who is in need. I wouldn't be the aunt, sister, Godmother, friend, etc that I am. There wouldn't be people in my life who know they could pick up the phone in a time of need and know that I would do whatever I could to help them. While being so sensitive does come with many broken hearts and tears, it also makes me just that more lovable, my dog thinks so anyway!!:)
I've had the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore for awhile and think I truly need to start diving into it. I've started to a time or two, but I'm sure it isn't a book meant for me to read (yeah, right). Perhaps for me, it is just that sometimes the truth is no fun. Even worse though, is knowing it is true and having no idea how to change it. Ok, I do know the way to change it, "Let Go and Let God." Right? Ugh, if only it was that easy.
Ha!! I just thought of something. Perfect example of just how sensitive I am! You know how when you build a house of cards how you have to hold your breath to keep from making it fall down? Yep, that would be my feelings, the house of cards. Oh, I have moments when I try to be tough. You know, those moments when you think, "no way am I letting him/her get to me." That thought is usually followed by tears.
I can't help but wonder if we are all too sensitive in some areas. Such as something that makes someone truly uncomfortable about themselves. For example, while some guys can take some harassing about losing their hair, other guys are so sensitive about it that the first mention of it makes them angry.
I guess I've always thought that my sensitivity was due to my inability to love someone without doing so with my whole heart. I don't give someone just a piece of my heart, nope, not me, I give them the whole thing. Break down a wall and worm yourself into my heart and you can be sure that your not just in a corner of my heart will you will be quickly forgotten. If I speak the words "I love you" to you, you can be sure they aren't just passing words. They are words that mean something to me and probably not so easy for me to say, especially the first few times you hear them from me.
Perhaps being so sensitive also makes me love hugs! Of course there are people in my life I truly rather love from a distant, but then there are others that a simple hug from them seems to make everything ok. I remember when I was younger and put a note in my grandpa's room that said "A hug a day keeps the blues away." There is a lot of truth in that for me. Ok, maybe it doesn't keep the blues completely away, but being hugged by someone you care about and you know truly cares about you just seems to say without words that it really will all be ok.
So, am I too sensitive? Oh yeah! But, I don't think that is always a bad thing. If I weren't so sensitive I wouldn't be so willing to help someone who is in need. I wouldn't be the aunt, sister, Godmother, friend, etc that I am. There wouldn't be people in my life who know they could pick up the phone in a time of need and know that I would do whatever I could to help them. While being so sensitive does come with many broken hearts and tears, it also makes me just that more lovable, my dog thinks so anyway!!:)
another lesson about trust
Several months ago I found myself thinking things I didn't know how to deal with. While they were similar thoughts to those I'd had before, this time they were a bit different. After sharing these thoughts with a friend, she felt these were thoughts I truly needed to share with my counselor. I had no idea where letting my counselor know there was something I needed to share with her would take me.
I entered the office that day prepared to share my thoughts and feelings even though I feared how she would respond. However, she greeted me that day by telling me she already knew what I had to share with her and she had known from the beginning. Imagine my surprise when when we walked into her office, sat down, and she immediately looked at me and said, "You're gay." I can now sit here and say I so wish I could have gone straight to humor and said, "you are the weakest link, goodbye," and walked out the door. However, I was stunned. Had this woman not heard anything I'd said for several months? In fact, I'd been going to her office for over a year and a half. Where was she when I had shared with her that it was my hearts desire to find MR. Right, get married, and have children? This wasn't something I'd shared only once, but multiple times.
What I was really going into her office to share with her that day is that I was scared of the thoughts I was having. Though I'd had the thought many times in the midst of emotions that I didn't want to live, for the first time in my life the thoughts were entering my mind that I had the means to end my life. In fact, I was so scared of these thoughts that more than once I wouldn't even pick up my prescribed medication to take it. I wasn't sure that I could trust myself to put the bottle down and didn't want to give myself an opportunity to do something I would regret. Two of the things that I often held onto were wondering who would take care of my dog if something happened to me and the belief that suicide is a sin. So, if I did something to myself and succeeded, how would I have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness so I could go to heaven?
My counselors response that day triggered lots of feelings. I didn't keep my next appointment and planned to just walk away, but something in me felt I need to confront her about this. So, at that time, I chose to stand up for myself, let her know she was wrong in what she did/said, and get tough as I decided I was much stronger than I gave myself credit for and could rise above it.
Today, as I sit here typing, I can tell you that what I really did was lift up the carpet and sweep lots of stuff under it. In fact, I've done my best to do that a lot over the last several months. It wasn't just her that made me feel this was necessary, but also a couple people I shared what had happened with who then went to her and shared with her what I had shared with them. You see, what I really learned was that not even paying someone to listen to you makes them listen, hear you, or not find a reason to discuss you with others. She confirmed this when she left me a message saying that she had heard from several people that I was saying unkind things about her. I'd never said anything truly unkind about her, but I didn't get how she could be hearing this from "several people" if she wasn't even suppose to discuss me with anyone.
I quickly slapped on a smile, got busy, and moved forward. I'm not one to be able to bottle lots of stuff up and not talk to someone, but I felt that was what was safest for me to do. After all, if you can't trust a counselor, who can you trust. I've struggled with trust issues all my life, but this only magnified it. Every now and then I would find myself starting to talk about something I was struggling with, but then I would quickly find away to escape the conversation.
I had shared some big things with this counselor. Things I never thought in a million years I would be able to share with anyone. Still, after all that time sitting in her office, shedding many tears, and feeling as if I was progressing, she had no clue who I was.
Now, I sit here realizing there are lots of things I never allowed myself to feel and deal with from that moment til now. While I progressed, there were still some things that weren't all quite ironed out. Lets add to that that I was angry that she had looked at me as if she were proud of herself for figuring out some deep secret and declaring I was gay. Deep down inside I wanted to scream at her how she could possibly come to that conclusion. Did she think because I wasn't going around sleeping with a bunch of guys that surely it had to be so? Did she think that having had no good adult male influence in my life growing up that I really had no other option? And, thank you very much miss counselor, now I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone the things I've told you for fear that they will come to the same conclusion.
My struggles go beyond her, I know. I'm just not one to hold things in and not talk about what is going on inside me. I'm one who needs to open up, to someone, and share when I'm hurt, when I'm afraid, when I'm angry, or when something from past experiences gets stirred up and I just need to talk about it. But instead, I feel it isn't safe to trust anyone. I feel that it was just one more lesson in life I had to go through to learn this. My brain can tell you that is not so much the truth, my heart, on the other hand, fears it can't handle being hurt anymore or having no one but myself to blame for it.
I continue to move forward, search for Mr. Right, and try to sweep my thoughts and feelings under the carpet as they arise. However, I feel that I've hit a wall and I can't lift up the carpet and sweep much more under it. I do know if it weren't for my faith in the Lord I couldn't keep moving forward.
I entered the office that day prepared to share my thoughts and feelings even though I feared how she would respond. However, she greeted me that day by telling me she already knew what I had to share with her and she had known from the beginning. Imagine my surprise when when we walked into her office, sat down, and she immediately looked at me and said, "You're gay." I can now sit here and say I so wish I could have gone straight to humor and said, "you are the weakest link, goodbye," and walked out the door. However, I was stunned. Had this woman not heard anything I'd said for several months? In fact, I'd been going to her office for over a year and a half. Where was she when I had shared with her that it was my hearts desire to find MR. Right, get married, and have children? This wasn't something I'd shared only once, but multiple times.
What I was really going into her office to share with her that day is that I was scared of the thoughts I was having. Though I'd had the thought many times in the midst of emotions that I didn't want to live, for the first time in my life the thoughts were entering my mind that I had the means to end my life. In fact, I was so scared of these thoughts that more than once I wouldn't even pick up my prescribed medication to take it. I wasn't sure that I could trust myself to put the bottle down and didn't want to give myself an opportunity to do something I would regret. Two of the things that I often held onto were wondering who would take care of my dog if something happened to me and the belief that suicide is a sin. So, if I did something to myself and succeeded, how would I have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness so I could go to heaven?
My counselors response that day triggered lots of feelings. I didn't keep my next appointment and planned to just walk away, but something in me felt I need to confront her about this. So, at that time, I chose to stand up for myself, let her know she was wrong in what she did/said, and get tough as I decided I was much stronger than I gave myself credit for and could rise above it.
Today, as I sit here typing, I can tell you that what I really did was lift up the carpet and sweep lots of stuff under it. In fact, I've done my best to do that a lot over the last several months. It wasn't just her that made me feel this was necessary, but also a couple people I shared what had happened with who then went to her and shared with her what I had shared with them. You see, what I really learned was that not even paying someone to listen to you makes them listen, hear you, or not find a reason to discuss you with others. She confirmed this when she left me a message saying that she had heard from several people that I was saying unkind things about her. I'd never said anything truly unkind about her, but I didn't get how she could be hearing this from "several people" if she wasn't even suppose to discuss me with anyone.
I quickly slapped on a smile, got busy, and moved forward. I'm not one to be able to bottle lots of stuff up and not talk to someone, but I felt that was what was safest for me to do. After all, if you can't trust a counselor, who can you trust. I've struggled with trust issues all my life, but this only magnified it. Every now and then I would find myself starting to talk about something I was struggling with, but then I would quickly find away to escape the conversation.
I had shared some big things with this counselor. Things I never thought in a million years I would be able to share with anyone. Still, after all that time sitting in her office, shedding many tears, and feeling as if I was progressing, she had no clue who I was.
Now, I sit here realizing there are lots of things I never allowed myself to feel and deal with from that moment til now. While I progressed, there were still some things that weren't all quite ironed out. Lets add to that that I was angry that she had looked at me as if she were proud of herself for figuring out some deep secret and declaring I was gay. Deep down inside I wanted to scream at her how she could possibly come to that conclusion. Did she think because I wasn't going around sleeping with a bunch of guys that surely it had to be so? Did she think that having had no good adult male influence in my life growing up that I really had no other option? And, thank you very much miss counselor, now I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone the things I've told you for fear that they will come to the same conclusion.
My struggles go beyond her, I know. I'm just not one to hold things in and not talk about what is going on inside me. I'm one who needs to open up, to someone, and share when I'm hurt, when I'm afraid, when I'm angry, or when something from past experiences gets stirred up and I just need to talk about it. But instead, I feel it isn't safe to trust anyone. I feel that it was just one more lesson in life I had to go through to learn this. My brain can tell you that is not so much the truth, my heart, on the other hand, fears it can't handle being hurt anymore or having no one but myself to blame for it.
I continue to move forward, search for Mr. Right, and try to sweep my thoughts and feelings under the carpet as they arise. However, I feel that I've hit a wall and I can't lift up the carpet and sweep much more under it. I do know if it weren't for my faith in the Lord I couldn't keep moving forward.
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