I've not gone to church all my life, but I have off and on. Over the last several years, I've gone pretty consistently to church. I say pretty consistently, because there have been issues I've faced or have had to deal with that have made it challenging to make it to church every Sunday. It doesn't help that my sleep schedule tends to be opposite of most of the world.
Christians are sinners, I get this. No one is perfect, I get this. We aren't suppose to judge one another, I get this. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean we don't have feelings or opinions, yep, I get this one, too. Being part of a church means being part of a family, wait, this one I don't get.
First, I'm not pointing fingers. While I've gone to one church regularly over the last several years, I've attended others.
More and more I tend to feel as though church is like attending school all over again. Have you ever been the unpopular kid in class when a popular kid is abscent? Everybody wonders where they are and hopes all is well with them. But, remember the "not so popular" kids in class? Remember when they were abscent? Or, maybe you don't because no one seems to notice or wonder why they aren't there.
I say popular and unpopular, because it is the best way I can think of to describe how divided it is. There are cliques of all sorts. My experience in churches with small groups is that this only makes it worse. While one small group may have 4 or 5 people, another might have anywhere from 15, 20, or more. Guess which small group people come in and would like to be part of?
If you enter a churh wanting to be part of a family, it is difficult when you discover that there is just some way that you may never fit into that family. Just like in a biological family, if your life doesn't grow and shape to become like the majority, you just somehow don't fit. You know, there is that unwritten rule that you grow up, get married, and have kids. Well, that is what the majority are doing anyway, and that is what it takes to be able to have something to talk about with one another. How do you bond if you don't have the husband/wife and kids to talk about? People get together, chat, and the kids play together. Well, if you have kids to play with their kids.
One might say, get involved in something at church. Again, you have to feel comfortable in the midst of a group to feel comfortable being part of it. And, that isn't saying that there will always be something available at a time you can be part of it. Reality is the majority of the world lives as though everyone works a 1st shift job. However, if you look around, you will see that our world is spinning 24/7. This means that someone has to be working 24 hours a day.
Maybe I'm alone in this. These truly are all my thoughts and feelings, so maybe I'm way out in left field. And I do tend to be a little too sensitive, maybe I'm just all wrong and need to toughen up. Maybe, learning that no one really means what they say was one of the best lessons I learned growing up. You know like when they say you are important to them, they will always be there, you will always be a part of their family, etc.
I totally get I'm having struggles of my own right now and it just makes cloudy skies seem a bit more cloudy. I just find myself wondering what I'm a part of at church. Does it matter that I'm there? Yes, I'm there to strengthen my relationship with God, but I can nurture this relationship on my own (with Him, of course). In the end, maybe this is still me wanting and trying to find somewhere I belong.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Disposable or forgotten?
Who knew that reading someone else's blog would jog some feelings I'm never quite sure what to do with? However, tonight it seems to have my emotions dancing on the verge of tears.
I hate that my heart loves people so easily! I hate that most likely do to not having anywhere near the family everyone wishes for I tend to try to create a family of my own. It isn't like I walk through life giving everyone the title of family, but once you've really touched my heart, I can't help it. God knows I've prayed at times for Him to make my heart a little harder towards people and not love them so easily and be perfectly content being alone when anyone walks away.
It seems that people find it easy to dispose of or forget me. Anyway, that is what I feel. Oh, I eventually get the "well, you never called me, wrote me, etc." Oh, really, and my phone, e-mail, mail box, etc just couldn't keep up with you trying to contact me.
And of course, then there are those people that I go out of my way to try and stay in contact. those people that I try to reach out to and say, "I'm struggling a bit here," and get no response from. Does silence speaker louder than if they actually spoke? Deep down do they wish I would just some how disappear? You know, if you ignore them they will go away? Do I gradually become less important in your life or do you just discover one day who I am and decide you want nothing to do with me?
Tonight, for the first time ever, and I don't know what triggered this, I actually found myself asking God if He took my big sister Candy, who only lived 8 hours, because He knew I wouldn't be a good little sister. I guess it was at that point I realized that my heart was really hurting and the devil was trying hard to feed my head and heart full of lots of lies. Still, I can't help but feel that I tend to be easily disposed of or forgotten by so many people.
I know I'm not perfect, that is something you never will find me claiming to be. I still can't help but wonder why it feels that people always find me at fault for everything that goes wrong. I can hear someone saying, oh, that is just in your head. Really? I would start to name the people in my life that somehow find me at fault for having little to do with my father. It was ok that he was never in your life. It was ok that his wife made all those calls to you for all those months and made you live your life wondering if it was safe to even walk to your car. It was ok that he showed up on your doorstep so angry at someone else you thought he could possibly punch you. Yeah, he's my father, but is it not ok for me to desire/want some stability in my life? Reality is you can only fear running into your father or him showing up at your doorstep for so long before you decide enough if enough. Were he just someone I knew and not my father, someone would have told me to cut that relationship off long ago. And, it would seem that he disposed of/forgot about me starting when I was very little.
Ok, so I vented some feelings there, but that is my world. Do to something that affected me so strongly, there are people in my life that decided I was disposable or worth forgetting. However, they aren't the only ones, I guess I just wish there were a few more people in my life who felt I was worth keeping.
I hate that my heart loves people so easily! I hate that most likely do to not having anywhere near the family everyone wishes for I tend to try to create a family of my own. It isn't like I walk through life giving everyone the title of family, but once you've really touched my heart, I can't help it. God knows I've prayed at times for Him to make my heart a little harder towards people and not love them so easily and be perfectly content being alone when anyone walks away.
It seems that people find it easy to dispose of or forget me. Anyway, that is what I feel. Oh, I eventually get the "well, you never called me, wrote me, etc." Oh, really, and my phone, e-mail, mail box, etc just couldn't keep up with you trying to contact me.
And of course, then there are those people that I go out of my way to try and stay in contact. those people that I try to reach out to and say, "I'm struggling a bit here," and get no response from. Does silence speaker louder than if they actually spoke? Deep down do they wish I would just some how disappear? You know, if you ignore them they will go away? Do I gradually become less important in your life or do you just discover one day who I am and decide you want nothing to do with me?
Tonight, for the first time ever, and I don't know what triggered this, I actually found myself asking God if He took my big sister Candy, who only lived 8 hours, because He knew I wouldn't be a good little sister. I guess it was at that point I realized that my heart was really hurting and the devil was trying hard to feed my head and heart full of lots of lies. Still, I can't help but feel that I tend to be easily disposed of or forgotten by so many people.
I know I'm not perfect, that is something you never will find me claiming to be. I still can't help but wonder why it feels that people always find me at fault for everything that goes wrong. I can hear someone saying, oh, that is just in your head. Really? I would start to name the people in my life that somehow find me at fault for having little to do with my father. It was ok that he was never in your life. It was ok that his wife made all those calls to you for all those months and made you live your life wondering if it was safe to even walk to your car. It was ok that he showed up on your doorstep so angry at someone else you thought he could possibly punch you. Yeah, he's my father, but is it not ok for me to desire/want some stability in my life? Reality is you can only fear running into your father or him showing up at your doorstep for so long before you decide enough if enough. Were he just someone I knew and not my father, someone would have told me to cut that relationship off long ago. And, it would seem that he disposed of/forgot about me starting when I was very little.
Ok, so I vented some feelings there, but that is my world. Do to something that affected me so strongly, there are people in my life that decided I was disposable or worth forgetting. However, they aren't the only ones, I guess I just wish there were a few more people in my life who felt I was worth keeping.
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