Disposable or forgotten?

Who knew that reading someone else's blog would jog some feelings I'm never quite sure what to do with? However, tonight it seems to have my emotions dancing on the verge of tears.

I hate that my heart loves people so easily! I hate that most likely do to not having anywhere near the family everyone wishes for I tend to try to create a family of my own. It isn't like I walk through life giving everyone the title of family, but once you've really touched my heart, I can't help it. God knows I've prayed at times for Him to make my heart a little harder towards people and not love them so easily and be perfectly content being alone when anyone walks away.

It seems that people find it easy to dispose of or forget me. Anyway, that is what I feel. Oh, I eventually get the "well, you never called me, wrote me, etc." Oh, really, and my phone, e-mail, mail box, etc just couldn't keep up with you trying to contact me.

And of course, then there are those people that I go out of my way to try and stay in contact. those people that I try to reach out to and say, "I'm struggling a bit here," and get no response from. Does silence speaker louder than if they actually spoke? Deep down do they wish I would just some how disappear? You know, if you ignore them they will go away? Do I gradually become less important in your life or do you just discover one day who I am and decide you want nothing to do with me?

Tonight, for the first time ever, and I don't know what triggered this, I actually found myself asking God if He took my big sister Candy, who only lived 8 hours, because He knew I wouldn't be a good little sister. I guess it was at that point I realized that my heart was really hurting and the devil was trying hard to feed my head and heart full of lots of lies. Still, I can't help but feel that I tend to be easily disposed of or forgotten by so many people.

I know I'm not perfect, that is something you never will find me claiming to be. I still can't help but wonder why it feels that people always find me at fault for everything that goes wrong. I can hear someone saying, oh, that is just in your head. Really? I would start to name the people in my life that somehow find me at fault for having little to do with my father. It was ok that he was never in your life. It was ok that his wife made all those calls to you for all those months and made you live your life wondering if it was safe to even walk to your car. It was ok that he showed up on your doorstep so angry at someone else you thought he could possibly punch you. Yeah, he's my father, but is it not ok for me to desire/want some stability in my life? Reality is you can only fear running into your father or him showing up at your doorstep for so long before you decide enough if enough. Were he just someone I knew and not my father, someone would have told me to cut that relationship off long ago. And, it would seem that he disposed of/forgot about me starting when I was very little.

Ok, so I vented some feelings there, but that is my world. Do to something that affected me so strongly, there are people in my life that decided I was disposable or worth forgetting. However, they aren't the only ones, I guess I just wish there were a few more people in my life who felt I was worth keeping.